New rules for sports, instituted by The Czar

December 24, 2023 Kerry Eggers

Updated 12/27/2023 12:50 PM, 12/26/2023 5:40 PM

In the spirit of the yuletide season, I’m appointing myself sports czar of the universe, for only a day.

My friends and family are well aware that little ruffles me in sports. But every now and then, something stirs inside the old codger’s gray matter.

Here are some things that, as global sports czar, I am prepared to outlaw/prohibit/ban, change or reinstitute that happen/don’t happen in contemporary sports. (If you agree, disagree or have other examples, please forward them in the “comments” section.) Pardon me as I bounce from sport to sport.

• Football players, at least at the college and professional levels, do not wear kneepads anymore, with the exception of the knee braces worn by offensive linemen. Say what? What is a more important body part for a football player to protect than knees? Mandatory at every position except punter and placekicker beginning today.

• Giving the “shush” sign to fans in an opponent’s stadium or arena? Prohibited.

• The kickoff return has been all but legislated out of college football and the NFL, evidently to prohibit the potential for injury. Football is a contact sport. We’re going to move the kickoff back to the 25-yard line in both the NFL and college ranks. Also, no more fair catches if the ball lands in the field of play.

• Referees rarely call for the chains anymore to determine whether or not a team has reached the first-down marker. It’s mostly done by the referee eyeballing where the ball is. Why? If it’s close, bring out the chains. If I’m a coach and the officials say my team is short, I’m asking for the chains — if for no other reason than to learn how far you have to go for a first down.

• And by the way: Since when was it the “line to gain,” a term a lot of broadcasters think is trendy to use nowadays? It has always been the “first-down line,” or reaching the “first-down marker.” Works for me.

• When is a ballcarrier who is swarmed by tacklers officially down? Referees today seem to let the play go on forever, or until the runner’s knee touches the ground. It’s surprising there aren’t more injuries as runners keep plowing and tacklers keep swarming. (See? I am concerned about injuries.) From now on, forward progress will be called when the ballcarrier is stopped, even momentarily.

• If I were a football coach, on fourth-and-one, I would use the “Tush Push” every time. That is, have the quarterback take a direct snap. Line up a couple of big fullbacks or offensive linemen behind him and have them shove the QB to the first down or into the end zone. But no more. No-brainer: Outlaw it. Sorry, Jalen Hurts.

• When offensive or defensive football players line up with their heads across the neutral zone, it’s offsides. For the longest time, the referees weren’t calling it. On a few important occasions in the NFL recently, they have. Keep doing it until the players get the idea.

• Consecutive timeouts by the defensive team to ice a placekicker attempting a field goal at the end of a half or game? Illegal. One timeout is the maximum, and the coach has to do it with at least 10 seconds on the play clock. None of this having the referee running in with his arms waving to stop play and signal the timeout as the snap comes back to the holder.

• Sometimes the broadcaster will say, “the ball is spotted at the half-yard line.” Or, the mic’d-up referee will announce it as such. Nope — there is no line to designate a half-yard. “The ball is between the goal line and the one.”

• Here’s a big one: NIL and transfer portal. The NIL will have a limit — $50,000 for player. Those receiving funds can’t be recruits; they must already be on campus. And they must perform a duty, whether it’s appearing at a Bar Mitzvah, birthday party or autograph session, or perhaps washing a sportswriter’s car. The transfer portal will be open from Jan. 3 through Jan. 31 every year. One transfer per athlete per college career. That ought to be enough to get it right.

• On the not-so-big side: In the NBA, a rebounder in the third slot along the key is allowed on only one side while a player is shooting a free throw. The other side is left vacant. It’s been that way forever, for no apparent reason. Fill the slot!

• In college basketball, players on a team leading late in a game are often instructed by their coach to vacate both second rebound lanes when their teammate is shooting a free throw. The thinking is they might commit a foul on a rebound. Just tell them to not foul, coaches, with threats of loss of life and limb! A foul could happen, but they also might get a rebound that can ice a victory.

• Speaking of free throws: Is there any rule in the NBA less enforced than a rebounder going into the lane before the ball leaves the shooter’s hands? We’re going to enforce it, so rebounders wouldn’t go in early every single time.

• Another thing on free throws: No player is allowed to slap the hand of a shooter unless he makes it. Period.

• Seems mandatory for a coach to remove a player with two fouls for the rest of the first half in college basketball, or with three fouls in the NBA. “Bigs” being taken out to prevent another foul? OK. But perimeter players generally should be able to avoid such a situation. Coaches, at least consider leaving them in, especially if you are behind.

• End-of-quarter NBA strategy: If you are ahead, or the game is very close, and you have the ball with fewer than 24 seconds left in any of the first three quarters, it’s fine to play for the last shot. If you are down by six or eight points or double digits, however, the clock is your enemy, not your friend. Score as quickly as you can, get a turnover and get another basket!

• End-of-quarter NBA strategy part two: If there is .3 of a second or more remaining, you have time to pass the ball in-bounds and take a quick shot. If there is .1 or .2 of a second left, your only option to score is to throw a lob pass for a tip-in. If you in-bound the ball to a teammate on the perimeter, you get to wear a dunce cap for the next 24 hours.

• End-of-quarter NBA strategy part three: If the player gets the ball in backcourt, or somewhere around midcourt, with only a second or two left on the game clock, do not do what many players do: Wait until the clock expires, then throw up a shot that won’t count as a miss on the stat sheet. Take a Hail Mary, if you will. Luka Doncic always does. Sometimes they go in!

• End-of-game NBA strategy: If your team is ahead by a comfortable margin and you get the ball with fewer than 24 seconds to play, running out the clock without a shot is sportsmanlike. If there are more than 24 seconds left, however, go ahead and take a shot. You’re not pouring it on; you’re simply playing out the game.

• You rarely see the sacrifice bunt anymore in the major leagues. Managers don’t want to give up an out to move a runner over. But in college baseball, it’s almost automatic for a coach to order a bunt after getting the leadoff man on base in an early inning — sometimes even from the No. 3 hitter! Let ‘em hit! You might get a big inning out of it.

• In broadcasting, do not use the phrase “score the basketball.” You score baskets; you shoot the basketball.

• In sportswriting, you don’t have to quote people verbatim. In a quote, do not use the words “obviously” or “I think.” If you’re quoting someone, it’s “obvious” that’s what the quoted thinks. The sentence reads the same without those useless words, so eliminate them.

• Choreographed celebrations after touchdowns or interceptions or sacks, as a fraternity brother of mine used to say, “leave me weak.” In other words, I’m not impressed. (My wife, incidentally, disagrees). The urge to showboat or strike a pose has grown greater through the generations. What bothers me is the influence on younger athletes — high school and even Pop Warner. They tend to imitate. I’m still a sucker for acting like you’ve done it before.

And the happiest of holiday seasons to you all.

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